I have always LOVED being pregnant. I am so excited from the moment I get that positive pregnancy test. I once tried to keep my pregnancy a secret and it felt like I was literally going to burst with excitement so I never tried keeping it a secret again. I'm not sure why I love being pregnant. Is is the way my round tummy looks, maybe. Is it feeling them move, probably. Is it because I know that I get a newborn to hold and love, I'm sure that's it.
My pregnancy with Crew was different. I didn't know why, and I didn't like it. Everyday seemed like a million, I was grumpy, I was miserable, I was no fun. It wasn't until he was born and they placed him in my arms that I connected that he was my baby, my baby to keep.
When I was pregnant with the twins I had to completely disconnect myself from them. Anytime, anywhere, no matter who, I always told them I was carrying twin boys for my sister-in-law. I never made it my own, because it wasn't. I couldn't decide at the end of the day that I wanted to take these babies home, it wasn't a decision I could change. I was fine with that, I was very happy to be able to give Angie her babies but in order for my heart to allow that I had to disconnect.
I didn't realize it until weeks after Crew was born that I disconnected. I didn't let my heart fully wrap around the fact that I was having a baby for me. A few hours after Crew was born my nurse encouraged me to do skin to skin with him. He was having a few struggles. When my tiny warm baby boy was laying naked on my bare chest an overwhelming feeling of love and emotion was literally consuming every pore of my being. His spirit was connecting to mine, I was allowing my heart to love him completely.
Being pregnant is a sacrifice. A sacrifice for mom, for kids, and especially for Dad. But of all things to sacrifice for, having a baby for me is the best sacrifice of all. There is nothing in this world I enjoy more than having a baby. Everything about them is so pure. They just came from the arms of my Heavenly Father and I can feel that. My girls can feel it. My husband can feel it. Babies are special.
I hope that I get to have more babies. I hope that when I do I remember to connect right from the beginning.
You are so good! I hated being prego with my last baby. I was sick the whole time. But I am good with 4 kids. My husband wants more. Your kids are so cute! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteYou are so cute. I was deathly ill with Eden. I didn't eat for a week straight. I had to get a priesthood blessing to feel better but I'll tell you what...Eden was very worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I dont' love being pregnant but I love my baby!
ReplyDeleteI love the sweet picture of you holding your little boy! Your new blog is so cute:)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Amanda~ I am so scared and excited for my baby boy! It's been soooooo long (10yrs) for me, I hope I am a good mommy, I hope that I connect, I hope that I can love him like he deserves.... You bring tears to my eyes... thanks for sharing.
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